QUARK revisited: All the Emperor's Quasi-Norms, part 1
Now, we wait for the bee...
Quark was a half-hour science fiction comedy series created by Buck Henry which aired on NBC 1977-1978. I was eight years old when it aired, and thought it was the greatest thing ever. More than four decades later, I dare to ask the question, “Does it hold up?”
Apropos of nothing, as I was watching this episode my son walks in. After observing the show for maybe 20 seconds, he speaks up.
SON: How old is this show? The CGI looks like it’s from the 70s.
ME: It is from the 70s. CGI didn’t exist back then. That’s a model.
SON: That’s a model? (pause) No wonder it looks like plastic.
SPACE PLOTS! The Head sends Adam Quark to rendezvous with the diplomatic ship Velcro, which has traveled 27 years to negotiate an alliance with the United Galaxy. After all that time, they’re overloaded with garbage, which Quark is to collect. Disgruntled with yet another garbage run, Quark and crew deviate from their mission to pursue an unidentified ship that mysteriously jammed all communication. Too late, they realize it is a Gorgon warship that is much bigger and more heavily armed than the garbage scow. Quark tried to flee but the Gorgon warship disables the garbage scow with a few shots and tractor beams them aboard.
The warship is commanded by Zorgon the Malevolent, Gorgon pirate, emperor and half-brother to the High Gorgon. He also has a beautiful daughter Libido, who takes an immediate interest in Ficus, the Vegeton.
Zorgon summons Quark to a meeting while Quark’s crew remains imprisoned. Following a weird concert performance by Libido on a space theremin, Zorgon demands Quark tell him where “It” is. He has deduced that Quark is a spy intent on preventing Zorgon from acquiring “It.” After all, there’s no other explanation for why an under-armed garbage scow would pursue the more powerful Gorgon warship.
To prove he’s serious, Zorgon shows Quark a live feed of his crew being crushed in their cell—a scene not entirely dissimilar from one featured in Star Wars the previous year. Quark, desperate to save his crew, lies and says “It” may be found on asteroid Rumbar. Satisfied, Zorgon spares Quark’s crew and returns Quark to them. Learning of Zorgon’s plans, the prisoners promptly escape using Andy’s power supply to blow open the door. With Gorgon troops approaching, ultra-violent, masculine Transmute Gene gives way to passive, feminine Jean, who is useless in a fight. Quark sends Jean and Andy (who are handcuffed together) back to the ship to contact Perma One. In the ensuing fight, the Bettys successfully karate chop an Amazonian Gorgon warrior, but otherwise they’re quickly overwhelmed and returned to the holding cell. Hoping to buy some time, Quark and the Bettys coach Ficus on how to seduce Libido. Once Libido is in the throes of passion, the plan goes, Ficus will convince her to hide a weapon beneath Zorgon’s throne. When Zorgon summons Quark upon reaching asteroid Rumbar, Quark will use the weapon to take Zorgon hostage so they can all escape.
Gorgon guards take Ficus to Libido’s chambers. Libido is libidinous as her name implies, but is disappointed Ficus isn’t responsive. Ficus explains that Vegetons mate differently than animals:
FICUS: Where I come from, we don’t kiss—we pollinate.
LIBIDO: Pollinate? Can I do that?
FICUS: Watch what I do and repeat after me. (Ficus lies on the ground, extending his arms and legs vertically). Watch carefully and listen.
FICUS: Bee bee bee bee bee BEE BEE BEE BEE!
(Libido copies Ficus)
LIBIDO: What do we do now?
FICUS: We wait for the bee.
Unfortunately, before any bees arrive to consummate the pollination, Zorgon arrives with guards and is enraged to find, “A Vegeton? Pollinating with my daughter!?” Despite Libido’s protests that she loves Ficus, Zorgon has Ficus strapped to a table with a laser primed to slice the Vegeton in half, not unlike the peril James Bond faced in Goldfinger.
In an effort to disguise themself, Gene/Jean dresses as a Gorgon scientist but is promptly mistaken for Professor Markov, the Gorgon’s top expert on “It.” Gene/Jean, still handcuffed to Andy, attempts to give a lecture to assembled Gorgon scientists on the nature of “It” and fails badly on that count—not unlike Woody Allen in Sleeper. Their efforts are not helped by Andy’s heckling.
On the bridge, Quark attempts to take Zorgon hostage only to find that Libido did not hide any weapons beneath the throne. Zorgon orders the Bettys to be crushed in their trash compactor cell. On the bright side, Zorgon scientists confirm that “It” is indeed hidden on asteroid Rumbar. Zorgon is delighted, and announces his pending conquest of the galaxy is all due to Quark (Quark, to be fair, isn’t terribly enthused by this news).
SPACE BAGGIES! Talk about cliffhangers! This episode is easily the most ambitious of the series as it kicks off a two-parter. That doesn’t necessarily make it good, although I rate it better than the first three episodes of the show. Unlike every previous episode in the series, All the Emperor’s Quasi-Norms part 1 has more of a Flash Gordon feel to it than the Star Trek or Star Wars riffs that have dominated up to this point. That probably has more than a little to do with Emperor Zorgon channeling his inner Ming the Merciless and the whole father-daughter dynamic at play. Which isn’t a bad thing—were Quark to succeed as a series, it needed to poke fun at all of science fiction, not just the two most popular properties at the time.
I feel compelled to acknowledge that the title of this episode is absolute nonsense. Typical Star Trek technobabble, without the techno.
It kinda, sorta does that here, but in a ham-fisted way. Yes, the trash compactor is shamelessly lifted from Star Wars, but the Goldfinger laser is unmistakable and the Sleeper nod is only slightly more subtle. I think it important to acknowledge that the writers are clearly trying at this point. Jonathan Kaufer wrote the script, and if you don’t recognize the name there’s a reason for that. In addition to Quark he wrote one episode of HBO’s Dream On, two episodes of Holmes and Yoyo (whatever that was) and the clunky romcom Soup for One. And he was married to Pia Zadora. That’s it. Not a sparkling resume, but consider for a moment that every main character in this episode gets at least one good scene. Tim Thomerson gets to retrieve the feminine Jean out of TV exile for more than a one-liner and actually impacts the plot, then gets to try and pass off the toxic machismo of Gene as a brilliant scientist. That must’ve been great fun. The Barnstable twins… well, they’re still eye-candy first and foremost, but they get a nice action sequence with their karate chop and disco bump follow through, and teaching Ficus how to seduce Libido put their sex appeal to good, and amusing use. Richard Benjamin is solid as always and Richard Kelton’s Ficus… well, I’ll get to him in the next section.
The episode’s greatest strength, however, is in its guest stars. The great Ross Martin chews the appropriate amount of scenery as Zorgon. The episode is never quite clear if he is a pirate, emperor or just a really nasty free agent, but Martin doesn’t let that get in his way. Quark is no Wild Wild West, but Martin understands the farcical nature all too well, delivering the most outlandish lines with appropriate intensity. And then there’s Libido herself, played by Joan Van Ark, less than a year away from her star-making turn as Valene Ewing on Dallas and later Knots Landing. She plays Libido with an unchecked enthusiasm that is downright infectious. For a woman who’s defining character trait is “sexually voracious” her initial surprise and subsequent curiosity at Ficus’ physical rejection of her overtures is endearing and delightfully innocent. Again, the natural inclination to such absurdity for many actors would be to ham it up, but Van Ark not only plays it straight, she plays it the right kind of straight. That alone makes the episode worth watching.
SPACE JOKES! Okay, I’m only gonna speak to one joke, and one joke only here: Pollinatus interruptus. Ficus’ attempted pollination with Libido is the single most gonzo bonkers scene this series has produced thus far. And by golly it works on every level. Yes, it is ridiculous and silly and absurd but simultaneously it is a fantastic piece of world building, fitting absolutely the character of Ficus as viewers have seen him up to now. What really pushes the scene over the top is Libido’s earnest, uncertain attempt to join the Vegeton in this strange mating ritual. Libido is uncertain, but such is her affection and desire for Ficus that she is willing to attempt pollination with him in order to forge an intimate bond between the two of them. The scene is played absolutely straight—Ficus utterly dispassionate, Libido passionate and sincere but utterly out of her element—and that is what makes it work. The chef’s kiss is Zorgon catching them in the act, and deftly channeling every teenage sex comedy from the 60s and 70s with his outrage at finding his daughter pollinating with a Vegeton. This is great hand-wavy science fiction. It is good comedy, pushing the envelope to find laughs where no laughs have gone before. Unlike most of the attempts at humor in this series, this joke did not exist outside of Quark. This is the potential of this series. This is why I sat through all the tedious, unfunny gags and cringe-inducing stereotypes of the early episode. This is a glimpse, however briefly, of the inspired lunacy that Quark should’ve delivered from day one. Yes, more of this, please!
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