QUARK revisited: All the Emperor's Quasi-Norms, part 2
In which Ficus' Libido gets frozen
Quark was a half-hour science fiction comedy series created by Buck Henry which aired on NBC 1977-1978. I was eight years old when it aired, and thought it was the greatest thing ever. More than four decades later, I dare to ask the question, “Does it hold up?”
SPACE PLOTS! When we last left off, the Bettys were about to be crushed by Emperor Zorgon’s definitely-not-a-ripoff-of-the-Death-Star-trash-compactor. Adam Quark pleads with him to not crush the Bettys, and Zorgon, in a burst of uncharacteristic generosity, relents. Instead, he stakes Quark and the Bettys on the asteroid to be consumed by a lizigoth, which is definitely not a person-in-a-costume.
As for the other big cliffhanger, Libido bursts into the definitely-not-Goldfinger’s-laser torture chamber, armed and dressed in black, to rescue Ficus from being sliced in two. During her rescue, she and he exchange this romantic conversation:
LIBIDO: I’ve never done anything like this before. Only you could drive me to such desperate ends. Tell me it was worth it. Tell me you love me.
FICUS: Libido—and I think you’ll find this interesting—as a Vegeton, not only am I incapable of love, I’m not even grateful for you rescuing me.
LIBIDO: Promise me you’ll never change!
Ficus intends to rescue Quark, but Libido refuses—until Ficus agrees to marry her.
The other cliffhanger, which wasn’t quite so perilous, saw Gene/Jean (still handcuffed to Andy the robot) badly bluff his way through a lecture to senior Gorgon scientists by arguing that applying enough heat to “It” will make “It” become hot. Later, on a balcony, Gene sees Gorgon soldiers marching below them. He leaps to attack, but Andy (who he is still handcuffed to) does not, resulting in Gene not so much as leaping to attack but rather dangling helplessly.
On asteroid Rumbar, Quark and the Bettys are saved by Baron of the Forest People, who presumably took a detour on his way to the lunch shift at Medieval Times. Don’t worry about him too much, because he’s inconsequential beyond telling Quark the Forest People have a prophecy that a stranger will lead the dreaded Gorgons to their hiding place on the asteroid. What’s that? Quark is a stranger and led the Gorgons there? Imagine that!
Gene shows up, with no explanation of how they escaped the Gorgon ship. The clouds part and three beams of light converge, blowing open the side of a mountain to reveal a small box with a quartz necklace inside. This is “It.” Baron informs Quark that he is now invincible and Quark sets off to confront the Gorgons.
Zorgon catches Libido and Ficus attempting to depart to the asteroid. When Zorgon brags that he has sent Quark and the Bettys to be killed and eaten by the lizigoth, Ficus is unemotional. This impresses Zorgon, who approves of their union. With Quark apparently dead, Ficus accompanies Libido back to her quarters to pollinate.
Quark returns to the Gorgon ship, but Gorgon scans determine the crystal has no special abilities. It’s dense enough to deflect blaster fire, but nothing more. Zorgon lures Quark into a trap, releasing a gimp-looking Cyclart(?) to kill him. The Cyclart beats the crap out of Quark, but Ficus and Libido intervene, saving Quark. Zorgon, enraged tries to blast Quark and Ficus but Libido jumps in the way and is hit by Zorgon’s blast. Quark captures Zorgon. Libido is frozen in place, and the stun won’t wear off for six years or so. Ficus, pragmatic as ever, observes, “Being a realist, I’m quite confident this won’t affect our relationship at all.”
SPACE BAGGIES! I keep meaning to point this out, but keep forgetting to. As I’m quickly running out of episodes I figure it’s now or never. Listening to the synth-heavy, disco theme song of Quark, it’s easy to pick out the intentional echoes of the original Star Trek theme music. But take another listen and I’ll wager you hear another theme song reference in the melody—that of the Love Boat, which debuted in 1976 and was at the pinnacle of its popularity when Quark was developed. I apologize in advance, as this is something you can’t unhear.
The two-parter’s episode title remains nonsensical. In this episode, Otto Palindrome (who is even more irrelevant to the plot than usual, despite Conrad Janis also playing Palindrome’s father) utters the word “quasi-norms” in a spurt of dialog. It’s pretty clear from the context that the screenwriter inserted that word in order to justify the episode title, which is both pathetic and an amazing display of chutzpah. I mean, if we want to go with the cheesy 70s vibe a much better title would’ve been “It” Happens, pts. 1 & 2. Yes, it’s a dumb title, but unlike the pretentious Quasi-Norms, it happens to make sense.
Joan Van Ark’s Libido is by far the best thing about this episode (yes, I wrote what I wrote). She absolutely commits to the absurdity of the role and wholly sells her obsession with Ficus. Ficus’ indifference to her affections is just icing on the cake. Beyond that? Meh. Ross Martin has even less to do than he did in part 1. Gene/Jean and the Bettys continue to be one-note gags that wore out any inherent humor way back in the pilot episode. Andy entirely vanishes for the second half of the episode. The Baron contributes to the plot in no meaningful way, other than by consuming surplus turkey legs.
In part one, I observed how screenwriter Jonathan Kaufer’s script gave each of the principal cast members at least one solid scene to shine. Not so in part 2 (with the exception of Libido). The main cast, except for Quark and Ficus, are reduced to one-note background characters. The episode’s MacGuffin, “It,” turns out to be a warmed-over retread of the Source from the second episode, although where the Source turned out to be somewhat powerful but ineffective, “It” turned out to be ineffective with no power whatsoever. Honestly, the indifference and tonal shift in this concluding episode was such that I suspected a different writer had scripted it, but no, Kaufer wrote both parts. The (modest) innovation and (modest) character development from part one are almost wholly absent in the concluding episode. Libido’s rescue of Ficus is the high point in the episode. Everything that comes after is decidedly “meh.”
SPACE JOKES! Van Ark elevates every scene she’s in. I have never associated her with comedy but she does a damn fine job with thin material and while her banter with Ficus will remind nobody of Billy Wilder’s rapid-fire dialogue, there’s no denying the two have great chemistry together. Had the series continued I would certainly hope Libido would become a recurring character, Van Ark’s commitment to Dallas notwithstanding.
The Cyclart (I have no idea if that’s how it’s spelled) is a bonkers killing machine that is comprised of equal parts Doctor Who villain and Robot Monster. Like the Sleestack from Land of the Lost, it shambles about so slowly that all Quark needed to do to survive is just step out of its way. Between this dude and the lizigoth, the producers must’ve blown the entirety of the series’ costuming budget. The are hilarious, albeit unintentionally so.
Gene/Jean continues to be super cringe-inducing and consistently unfunny. Having toxic masculinity Gene try to pull off a masquerade as a high-ranking Gorgon scientist may have sounded funny on the page, but it landed with a resounding thud on-screen. I find myself wishing that the Transmute had switched over to feminine Jean midway through the lecture, and the more feminine, thoughtful incarnation of the character pulled off the ruse. Anything other than Gene’s thud-and-blunder would’ve been welcome, but no, the script isn’t clever enough to, you know, actually work the characters’ natural traits into the plot. After string of progressively not-terrible episodes this installment is a disappointing regression.
There is one episode of Quark remaining. Let’s hope it sticks the landing.
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