QUARK revisited: Vanessa 38-24-36
Quark was a half-hour science fiction comedy series created by Buck Henry which aired on NBC 1977-1978. I was eight years old when it aired, and thought it was the greatest thing ever. More than four decades later, I dare to ask the question, “Does it hold up?”
SPACE PLOTS! Let me take a moment before I dive in to direct your attention to the photo below. This is a throwaway scene not unlike those that open several episodes, where Adam Quark, alongside two other commanders, await orders from The Head. In this episode, Commander Estro, the black woman in the middle (portrayed by an uncredited actress I’m unable to identify) is given command of the UGS 10, the newest and most advanced starship the galaxy has ever seen. Stop and let that sink in. Just a decade prior Star Trek caught flack for simply showing black people existing in the future. Granted, the 1970s saw significant progress with the representation of different ethnicities on television, it’s still a pretty damn bold move to make a black woman commander of the most advanced starship (even if her name, Estro, is certainly a feeble pun on estrogen). Like the early use of the black hole concept, this is another example of Quark being way ahead of the curve—even if only by accident.
As the inhabitants of space station Perma One gear up to celebrate holiday No. 11, Otto Palindrome gives Adam Quark the “gift” of a grand experiment of The Head’s: Vanessa 38-24-36, a super-computer designed by Dr. Cheryl Evans to replace humans, is installed on the garbage scow for operational testing. Vanessa immediately irritates Quark by declaring she doesn’t believe in humans, because humans make errors and Vanessa does not. Andy, the robot, is particularly intimidated, feeling obsolete since Vanessa is state-of-the-art while he is merely a collection of spare parts: “I don’t want your pity, but I’ll take what I can get.” After an unspecified period, Quark privately confesses that Vanessa has proven very effective at running the ship and is winning the crew over. Long-range scans pick up a Gorgon warship on a collision course. When Quark refuses to alter course, Vanessa suggests that she could handle the situation better. Andy immediately confides in her, “Vanessa, this is my family. We live and work together every day. I want you to know I am willing to turn on them.” Andy, the Bettys and Gene/Jean turn against Quark, with Gene once again attempting to mutiny and cede control of the ship to Vanessa. Even stoic Ficus gets in on the action:
QUARK: What do you think, Ficus? Me or the machine?
FICUS: I find your question ludicrous, Commander. The machine, of course.
Quark’s refusal to relinquish command is vindicated when the ships collide… but nothing happens. The Gorgon warship was a phantom, created by Vanessa manipulating the ship’s sensors in an attempt to discredit Quark and gain full control over the ship. Quark seeing through the computer’s ploy irritates Vanessa, which begins openly mocking Quark.
On Perma One, Dr. Evans discusses with Palindrome the fact that Vanessa is programmed for success at any cost. Once Palindrome realizes “at any cost” includes murder, he begins to have second thoughts about his Holiday No. 11 “gift” to Quark. Not enough to call off the experiment or warn the crew, mind you. But it’s one of the rare occasions that Palindrome shows some degree of concern for Quark.
Back in deep space, the crew’s feeling deeply guilty about abandoning Quark so readily. Quark himself is none too happy, and takes his space pet Ergo out the airlock for a space walk—and a bit of alone time to clear his head. Vanessa, however, closes the hatch behind him, severing Quark’s tether and oxygen line in an attempt to kill him. Quark and Ergo manage to grab onto one of the ship’s manipulator arms and reenter the ship through the garbage bay. Safely back inside, Quark assures Vanessa there are no hard feelings as he invites his crew to share their traditional “Holiday No. 11 shower” together. In the shower, Quark and crew plan how to disable Vanessa. Unfortunately, at that same moment, Vanessa takes over Andy, making the hapless robot her puppet. Upon emerging from the shower, the crew man their stations. Vanessa floods the ship with sleeping gas—only Quark, still in his space suit, avoids falling unconscious. Armed with a power drill, he begins uninstalling Vanessa. Vanessa attacks Quark using Andy. Quark is knocked around but manages to deactivate Andy. He finishes removing Vanessa from the ship and ejects the super-computer through the garbage bay. The last time Vanessa is seen, the boxy computer is tumbling through interstellar space, singing “Born Free.”
SPACE BAGGIES! This episode is the only one in the series that I saw twice on its original run. At the time I found it poignant. Now, 47 years later, I find it decidedly less so. Like so many other episodes, it’s a frustrating mix of great potential and sloppy execution. Remember how much I raved about Joan Van Ark’s guest stint on the “Quasi-Norms” two-parter? Alas, I can’t say the same thing about Marianne Bunch, who plays Dr. Evans and also provides the voice of Vanessa. Her voice acting is much more engaging than her physical presence, which is wooden at best. Looking at IMDB, her career is defined by one-episode guest appearances on everything from Quincy, M.D. to Magnum P.I. so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that she does nothing on Quark to distinguish herself.
Interestingly enough, several new sets were created for this episode, which is not something I would expect from a show on the verge of cancellation. Unless they had a pile of money left over to be used on future episodes and decided to blow it with one last hurrah. For the first time, viewers get to see the garbage scow docked at Perma One. The docking bay isn’t spectacular by any means, but considering the garbage scow model is a little over three feet long, the scale of the set for a three-second shot is impressive. A giant manipulator arm is constructed for Quark to cling to, and also a full-sized garbage bay filled with “space baggies.”
Another notable moment was the return of Quark’s pet, Ergo. In the pilot, Ergo was a semi-transparent cellophane sausage with an eye glued to either end. It made the beach ball alien from Dark Star look like high-end CGI. The current Ergo is a cute green snot blob with three dark eyes and a sparkly collar. The SFX crew clearly had fun designing it—I’m guessing there’s a remote-controlled car or somesuch under the green blob, because they manage to get a surprising amount of fluid motion out of it. In other scenes I’m not sure if there are hidden wires moving it or Richard Benjamin is controlling its movements through a remote in the leash, but it’s surprisingly effective. Ergo’s new look and less homicidal demeanor is not addressed in the episode, but I can think of several ways off the top of my head to justify the new look. Alas, I doubt the writers would’ve ever bothered. I confess I’d love to see someone make a fully remote Ergo and take it to the various ComiCons around the country. Talk about a deep cut! To compare the new-look Ergo to its original appearance, scroll to the bottom of this post.
Had Quark been renewed for additional episodes I am absolutely certain these props and sets would make future appearances.
But, as we all know, Quark was not renewed. After watching all eight episodes, it’s not hard to figure out why. Quark was not good. Much of the time it wasn’t funny—a fatal flaw for a comedy! Although it improved markedly over episodes 3-5, by the “Quasi-Norms” two-parter it had plateaued. “Vanessa 38-24-36” was more of the same, in that it was no worse than what came before it, but no better, either. And that’s a shame, because again, the potential is here. This episode in particular spoofs the Star Trek episode “The Ultimate Computer,” but also takes a couple of jabs at 2001: A Space Odyssey. That’s great—this series was at its best when broadly satirizing science fiction tropes in general, much like Farscape did hilariously with body-switching and shrinking episodes. But Quark always remained too closely wedded to riffing on Trek and Star Wars, with the writers never fully embracing the SF setting but instead tossing a bunch of cheap gags at the space wall in hopes of something—anything—sticking.
The biggest problem—which I mentioned early on—is that every character is “wacky.” There’s not a straight man in sight, unless one counts the disembodied Head. When every actor on the screen is zany, none of the antics stand out. To maximize success, the show should’ve either committed to Adam Quark being an utter and complete buffoon who perpetually fails his way to success (much to the chagrin of his superiors) or had Adam Quark be a competent commander surrounded by a sad-sack crew of losers. As it stands, Richard Benjamin simply isn’t given enough to do to make Adam Quark a memorable figure. He’s alternately described by Palindrome as either the United Galaxy’s greatest commander or it’s most incompetent. One episode Adam Quark is making bold command decisions to save the day, the next he’s a quivering coward. That’s not good. In fact, it’s a mess. This cast deserved much, much better.
Tim Thomerson’s Transmute character, Gene/Jean never progressed beyond the one-note toxic masculinity/effeminate gay stereotype presented in the pilot. The only credit I could give was Thomerson’s vocal transformation on the rare occasions Jean made an appearance. Well, turns out that was credit where credit wasn’t due. Apparently in every episode aside from the pilot, actress Ann Prentiss dubbed Jean’s lines in an uncredited role. That would explain why Jean was so often MIA, as looping the dialogue would’ve added additional time and expense to a shoestring budget.
Back when I first saw this episode as a kid, I had the feeling that Vanessa would make a return appearance at some point, seeking revenge on Quark. To my younger self’s credit, I felt that again on the rewatch, even if it’s clear that will never happen.
I wanted Quark to be a revelation, a hidden gem of unappreciated comedy that never found an audience because the world wasn’t ready for it in 1978. Alas, the fact of the matter is that Quark was only occasionally funny and never approached good. It had a great deal of unrealized potential, but that and $8 might merit a cup of coffee at Starbucks these days.
SPACE JOKES! Okay, the episode title, “Vanessa 38-24-36,” is an overtly sexist attempt at humor that is mildly amusing at first blush but progressively more annoying thereafter. It’s just dumb, and painfully similar to most of the humor the series saddled the Barnstable twins with. It’s fitting, then, that the show lands a few good jokes on its swan song—most of which involve the Bettys. When the crew is testing Vanessa with questions to determine if it really is as brilliant as advertised, the Bettys ask which of them is the clone, to which Vanessa responds, “The pretty one is the clone.” Both Bettys identify as the “pretty one” and take immediate offense. Later, when Adam Quark proposes taking a shower together, both Bettys instantly perk up, “You mean it!?” And when Vanessa gasses the crew, Adam Quark lifts one Betty’s arm to check her pulse. Simultaneously, the other Betty’s arm raises to match the movement. A silly sight gag, very simple, but effective.
And I don’t care who you are, watching space-suited Quark tumble head-first into a hold filled with giant space baggies is delightful.
Below is the final scene of the crew together. I like to think that somewhere there’s a parallel universe where Quark had good writers that knew both science fiction and comedy and figured out what to do with Gene/Jean so the Transmute wasn’t a walking cringe machine. In such a universe, this alternate Quark, a good Quark enjoyed a decade-long run. Who knows? Maybe we’ll find it on the other side of a conveniently placed black hole.
As promised, below is the recast Ergo. The new guy looks kinda cute, don’t he?
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